Post by SadistSecret on Mar 11, 2005 15:44:56 GMT -5
(I wrote this a long time ago...I don't remember the exact date...but late 2003/early 2004 sounds about right.)
Don't ask me why I am or how I came to be this way. I don't completely know the answer to either, but if you read on, you might learn a little more about me.
I hear it every day, anytime I'm within earshot of the people (the distance seems to get smaller every week) who think that I'm a bad person when they don't even know me. "He's <insert insult here>," or whatever else they may happen to say. sometimes, they just point and laugh. And I try to ignore them. Seriously, i do.
then I get yelled at by the teachers and the school administration, when, after holding my temper for quite a long time (a difficult task indeed) i just cant take anymore of it and lose my temper at those who wouldn't shut up and leave me alone. it just doesn't make any sense how a kind who's almost constantly harassed gets in trouble because he can't take it any more. Then, I think about how it doesn't make sense and I cry. at least when nobody else is around, it'd just get worse if they saw the final damage they'd done.
You're probably wondering what this has to do with depression and loneliness. It's got nothing to do with loneliness, but almost everything with depression. at least my depression, anyway. It's just that a lot of the time. nobody seems to care. I'll say "hi" to someone and they just walk away. just like that. Like I'm not even there. that is what really hurts, is when nobody knows you're even there. Or they just pretend you're not. that hurts the most, when nobody chooses to acknowledge your very existence.
Maybe now I can explain the lonely part. it's the product of a long time as being practically invisible. no one caring, much less talking to me. there have been a few people who cared the way i needed, but the occurrence is few and far between. i just want a bit of love from someone. anyone. but i don't have it. my heart has a void that grows every day. [Sometimes], I don't think it will ever be filled.
Back to depression. I've told you a lot about my depression and what contributes to it. but I haven't told you how it affects me. Now you get to know.
When it (my depression) first came to me, I thought of it as just the occasional sadness that normally happens to everyone. But it really wouldn't disappear. I didn't know what to do about it. I just knew I couldn't tell anyone, because I didn't know what would happen to me. I didn't want to go on some medicinal solution, or be put in an asylum or something like that. I eventually built a "wall" between myself and the outside world. Outside, I appeared normal and content, but on the inside, I was in a near constant state of sociophobia and depression. A lonely sociophobic is definitely not a happy person. and I wasn't. I wanted to know someone who cared, but I was afraid to really talk to and get to know someone. after a while, I kind of got over the sociophobic tendencies, but if you look closely, you can still see .
Now I am [almost constantly] in a shown state of depression, even though its about 10 times worse on the inside. I probably would be committed if I showed more of it, that's why I don't show [very much at all].
Finally, I close this paper by saying that if whoever reads this paper wants to help me, all you have to do is [almost constantly] show me you care.
Don't ask me why I am or how I came to be this way. I don't completely know the answer to either, but if you read on, you might learn a little more about me.
I hear it every day, anytime I'm within earshot of the people (the distance seems to get smaller every week) who think that I'm a bad person when they don't even know me. "He's <insert insult here>," or whatever else they may happen to say. sometimes, they just point and laugh. And I try to ignore them. Seriously, i do.
then I get yelled at by the teachers and the school administration, when, after holding my temper for quite a long time (a difficult task indeed) i just cant take anymore of it and lose my temper at those who wouldn't shut up and leave me alone. it just doesn't make any sense how a kind who's almost constantly harassed gets in trouble because he can't take it any more. Then, I think about how it doesn't make sense and I cry. at least when nobody else is around, it'd just get worse if they saw the final damage they'd done.
You're probably wondering what this has to do with depression and loneliness. It's got nothing to do with loneliness, but almost everything with depression. at least my depression, anyway. It's just that a lot of the time. nobody seems to care. I'll say "hi" to someone and they just walk away. just like that. Like I'm not even there. that is what really hurts, is when nobody knows you're even there. Or they just pretend you're not. that hurts the most, when nobody chooses to acknowledge your very existence.
Maybe now I can explain the lonely part. it's the product of a long time as being practically invisible. no one caring, much less talking to me. there have been a few people who cared the way i needed, but the occurrence is few and far between. i just want a bit of love from someone. anyone. but i don't have it. my heart has a void that grows every day. [Sometimes], I don't think it will ever be filled.
Back to depression. I've told you a lot about my depression and what contributes to it. but I haven't told you how it affects me. Now you get to know.
When it (my depression) first came to me, I thought of it as just the occasional sadness that normally happens to everyone. But it really wouldn't disappear. I didn't know what to do about it. I just knew I couldn't tell anyone, because I didn't know what would happen to me. I didn't want to go on some medicinal solution, or be put in an asylum or something like that. I eventually built a "wall" between myself and the outside world. Outside, I appeared normal and content, but on the inside, I was in a near constant state of sociophobia and depression. A lonely sociophobic is definitely not a happy person. and I wasn't. I wanted to know someone who cared, but I was afraid to really talk to and get to know someone. after a while, I kind of got over the sociophobic tendencies, but if you look closely, you can still see .
Now I am [almost constantly] in a shown state of depression, even though its about 10 times worse on the inside. I probably would be committed if I showed more of it, that's why I don't show [very much at all].
Finally, I close this paper by saying that if whoever reads this paper wants to help me, all you have to do is [almost constantly] show me you care.
