Post by FierceLikeTiger on Apr 25, 2005 14:58:28 GMT -5
1.) What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
- Most men can find a bar
2.) What is the knob for at the end of a man's dick?
- To stop his hand from slipping off.
3.)Michael Jackson was on Liz Taylor's yacht, when they hit stormy weather and Michael was thrown into the water. They found him an hour later clinging to a buoy.
4.)This lady walks in to a Porn shop one day complaining about the fact that her husband isn't enough for her any more and that she is sexually frustrated. The guy behind the counter suggests a Dildo or Vibrator, the lady blushes as he shows her the different sizes and shapes she can choose from, Last but not least he shows her the 'magic dildo'. Just say to the dildo what you want it to do and it will be done.
The lady goes home, reads the instructions carefully, places the dildo on the chest of draws, and lies on the bed naked with her legs spread. She say's 'Dildo - pussy'.
The dildo lifts off, turns around and shoots straight between her legs. After an unknown amount of time she tires of it and says 'dildo - stop' only to find that it doesn't, it keeps going. She grabs it and pulls it out, dildo jumps strait back in however. She grabs it again, throws it across the room and runs out of the house screaming naked with the dildo chasing along after her. She runs around the corner to be confronted by a policeman wondering what she is doing naked on the street, she explains to him that a magic dildo is chasing her.
The policeman only laughs and says 'Magic dildo my ass!'
5.)The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
(ha, ha ha...oh man I LOVE That one)
6.)Bumper Stickers:
Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave No Billionaire Behind
Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-Voodoo All Over Again!
Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just Isn't Good Enough
Bush/Cheney '04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time
Bush/Cheney '04: Over a Billion Whoppers Served.
Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "Con" in Conservative
Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for Not Paying Attention.
Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast
Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil
Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!
George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There
George W. Bush: A Brainwave Away from the Presidency
Don't think. Vote Bush!
More Trees, Less Bush
It Takes a Village Idiot
One Person, One Vote (*May Not Apply in Certain States)
Bring Back Monica Lewinsky
7.) California's Letter of Secession
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, and the urban half of Ohio.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In addi! tion, we're getting San Diego. (Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though. She IS from the south, right?)
Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get... well, w! hy don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)
We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.
Sincerely,
California
- Most men can find a bar
2.) What is the knob for at the end of a man's dick?
- To stop his hand from slipping off.
3.)Michael Jackson was on Liz Taylor's yacht, when they hit stormy weather and Michael was thrown into the water. They found him an hour later clinging to a buoy.
4.)This lady walks in to a Porn shop one day complaining about the fact that her husband isn't enough for her any more and that she is sexually frustrated. The guy behind the counter suggests a Dildo or Vibrator, the lady blushes as he shows her the different sizes and shapes she can choose from, Last but not least he shows her the 'magic dildo'. Just say to the dildo what you want it to do and it will be done.
The lady goes home, reads the instructions carefully, places the dildo on the chest of draws, and lies on the bed naked with her legs spread. She say's 'Dildo - pussy'.
The dildo lifts off, turns around and shoots straight between her legs. After an unknown amount of time she tires of it and says 'dildo - stop' only to find that it doesn't, it keeps going. She grabs it and pulls it out, dildo jumps strait back in however. She grabs it again, throws it across the room and runs out of the house screaming naked with the dildo chasing along after her. She runs around the corner to be confronted by a policeman wondering what she is doing naked on the street, she explains to him that a magic dildo is chasing her.
The policeman only laughs and says 'Magic dildo my ass!'
5.)The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
(ha, ha ha...oh man I LOVE That one)
6.)Bumper Stickers:
Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave No Billionaire Behind
Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-Voodoo All Over Again!
Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just Isn't Good Enough
Bush/Cheney '04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time
Bush/Cheney '04: Over a Billion Whoppers Served.
Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "Con" in Conservative
Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for Not Paying Attention.
Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast
Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil
Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!
George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There
George W. Bush: A Brainwave Away from the Presidency
Don't think. Vote Bush!
More Trees, Less Bush
It Takes a Village Idiot
One Person, One Vote (*May Not Apply in Certain States)
Bring Back Monica Lewinsky
7.) California's Letter of Secession
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, and the urban half of Ohio.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In addi! tion, we're getting San Diego. (Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though. She IS from the south, right?)
Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get... well, w! hy don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)
We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.
Sincerely,
California
